Fixing the Foundation: How to Develop a Marital Mindset for Lasting Happiness

Dr. Tartt discusses the three things all marriages need to be happy versus feeling like an obligation.

Marriage is one of the most rewarding relationships you can have, but it’s also one of the most challenging. The key to creating a lasting, fulfilling marriage starts with the right mindset. How we view our marriage, how we invest in it, and how we show up for our spouse determines how strong and healthy the relationship will be.

Dr. Carol Rusbelt’s research offers insight into what makes marriages thrive, revealing three critical factors that contribute to long-term marital happiness. Today, we’ll explore how shifting our perspective and adopting the right mindset can transform our marriages into lasting, joyful partnerships.

1. Marital Satisfaction and Warmth: Moving Beyond the Obligation and Focusing on the Joy of Marriage

Common Mistake: Too many couples focus on the "obligation" or "covenant" of marriage, viewing it as something they have to do, rather than making it a "good thing" that’s satisfying for both partners. This mindset can lead to resentment and a sense of being trapped in the relationship.

Psychological Solution: Instead of viewing marriage as an obligation, shift your focus to making it a source of joy. Viewing marriage as an opportunity for growth, happiness, and connection will foster warmth and affection. Marital satisfaction thrives when both partners prioritize each other's happiness, not out of duty, but because they genuinely enjoy being together.

Vital Behavior Shift: Ask yourself, "How can I make my spouse feel valued today?" Look for ways to add joy to your relationship, whether it's through a compliment, a thoughtful gesture, or just spending quality time together. This simple shift can go a long way in improving your emotional connection.

Sample Dialogue:

• Partner 1: "I’ve been thinking about how we can bring more joy to our relationship, not just going through the motions. I want us to be more than just married; I want us to be truly happy together."

• Partner 2: "I love that! How about we plan a weekend outing or a date night this week to just enjoy each other's company without the stress?"

  
  

Scripture: “Let all that you do be done in love.” – 1 Corinthians 16:14

2. Investment Size: Responding to Bids for Attention

Common Mistake: Couples often fail to respond to their spouse’s bids for attention, affection, or connection. These “bids” may be small moments where one partner seeks affirmation or just wants to connect. Ignoring these bids can cause emotional distance over time.

Psychological Solution: Responding to these bids fosters deeper emotional intimacy. When one partner seeks attention, whether it’s through a touch, a smile, or asking for a conversation, responding positively helps strengthen the bond. It’s these small moments that create lasting connections.

Vital Behavior Shift: Make it a habit to acknowledge and respond to your spouse’s bids. Even something as simple as giving your spouse a smile or listening attentively when they speak can show that you care.

Sample Dialogue:

• Partner 1: "Hey, can we talk for a minute?"

• Partner 2: "Of course, what’s on your mind?"

• Partner 1: "I just wanted to check in and see how you’re feeling today. I missed you this morning."

• Partner 2: "I appreciate you asking. I was a little stressed, but I feel better now that you’re checking in."

Scripture: “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” – Matthew 6:21

3. Being the Best Spouse for Your Spouse: Understanding Their Needs

Common Mistake:Many couples assume they know what their partner needs without asking. Over time, this can lead to frustration as people often crave different forms of support, love, and attention.

Psychological Solution:To create a fulfilling relationship, understanding your spouse’s needs is critical. Direct communication and active listening are key. It’s about being proactive in showing up for your spouse in ways that make them feel loved and supported.

Vital Behavior Shift: Start asking your spouse what they need from you regularly. Instead of assuming, take the time to understand their emotional, physical, and relational needs.

Sample Dialogue:

• Partner 1: "I’ve been thinking—what can I do this week to make your day easier or bring you more peace?"

• Partner 2: "Thank you for asking. Honestly, it would mean a lot if we could carve out some time this weekend just to relax together, no work or distractions."

• Partner 1: "That sounds wonderful. Let’s make that happen. You deserve that time to unwind."

  
  

Scripture: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” – Ephesians 5:25

Conclusion:

Adopting the right mindset for marriage is the key to creating lasting happiness and fulfillment. By focusing on warmth, investing in your relationship, and being the best spouse for each other, you can build a foundation that supports love, connection, and mutual growth.

Remember, small shifts in how we approach our marriage can lead to big changes in our connection and satisfaction.

If you're ready to take the next step in improving your marriage and want more tools to strengthen your relationship, visit www.betterhusbandbetterwife.com for more information and resources to help you build the marriage of your dreams.