Five Strategies To Get Black Men To Desire vs. Fear Marriage
- Dr. Alduan Tartt
- 5 minutes ago
- 4 min read
Why So Many Black Men Fear Marriage—And What Needs to Change
By Dr. Alduan Tartt | Psychologist • Minister • Relationship Expert
Marriage should be one of the most fulfilling relationships a man can experience. Yet for many Black men, it’s become something to fear instead of desire.
While many brothers deeply long for love, family, and legacy, they often carry internal fears that hold them back—fears of failure, financial ruin, loss of freedom, and emotional pain.
These fears are real. But they don’t have to define us.
After more than 20 years working with Black men as a psychologist and relationship coach, I’ve learned this truth:
Black men aren’t afraid of love.They’re afraid of losing.They’re not incapable of commitment—they’re afraid of becoming what they’ve seen.And they’re not rejecting marriage—they just haven’t seen it modeled in a way that looks life-giving.
So today, let’s break down the five most common fears Black men carry about marriage, and offer real, powerful strategies to transform those fears into faith, purpose, and legacy.
1. “I Don’t Want to Fail Like My Father”
Fear-Based Thought:“I didn’t grow up seeing a healthy marriage… so what makes me think I can do it better?”
Marriage-Minded Shift:“I’m not my father. I get to break generational cycles and build something better.”
Many Black men come from homes without a healthy marriage model. The impact is lasting. When dysfunction is your reference point, it becomes easy to believe that love is destined to fail.
What to Do:
Surround yourself with healthy, married men you respect.
Seek therapy to heal and rewire limiting beliefs.
Embrace the truth: what you saw isn’t what you’re doomed to repeat.
Romans 12:2 (NIV)“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
2. “If I Ain’t Rich, I Can’t Be a Husband”
Fear-Based Thought:“I gotta get my money right before I even think about marriage. A broke man ain’t respected.”
Marriage-Minded Shift:“Marriage isn’t about already having it all—it’s about building together with someone who believes in us.”
This belief keeps so many men stuck in the waiting room of life. While it’s wise to be financially responsible, the idea that you must be wealthy to marry is misleading—and costly.
In cultures like North Indian and Chinese communities, couples often marry with the goal of building wealth together. Black men deserve to adopt that mindset too.
What to Do:
See marriage as a wealth-building partnership.
Stop waiting on perfection and start choosing aligned purpose.
Build with someone who shares your vision and grind.
📖 Ecclesiastes 4:9 (NIV)“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.”
3. “Marriage Means Losing My Freedom”
Fear-Based Thought:“I don’t want to be trapped. Answering to someone. No more peace, no more space.”
Marriage-Minded Shift:“Healthy marriage is peace. It’s not a trap—it’s a team.”
Too many men equate marriage with control and loss. But this belief often stems from toxic ideas about masculinity—where love is weakness and vulnerability is dangerous.
What to Do:
Redefine freedom. It’s not about isolation—it’s about support.
Let go of the fear that your wife will dominate you. A godly woman partners with you, not against you.
Study examples of healthy relationships that model leadership through love, not control.
📖 Ephesians 5:25 (NIV)“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
4. “Divorce Will Destroy Me”
Fear-Based Thought:“I’ve seen men lose everything in divorce—money, kids, dignity. I’m not taking that risk.”
Marriage-Minded Shift:“I can prepare for success instead of running from risk.”
Fear of divorce is real—and deeply justified. Many Black men have witnessed the emotional and financial devastation that comes from broken marriages. But avoiding marriage doesn’t eliminate risk—it eliminates the opportunity for growth, connection, and legacy.
What to Do:
Invest in premarital counseling—it lowers divorce rates by up to 31%.
Build relationships on shared values, not just chemistry.
Anchor your relationship in faith, accountability, and mentorship.
📖 Matthew 7:24 (NIV)“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.”
5. “I Don’t Know How to Be a Husband”
Fear-Based Thought:“Nobody taught me. I didn’t have an example. I don’t want to fail her.”
Marriage-Minded Shift:“I can learn. I can grow. I’m willing to become the husband I never saw.”
This is one of the most honest and courageous fears Black men face. Most were never taught how to lead emotionally, resolve conflict, or love sacrificially. But that doesn’t mean you can’t learn.
What to Do:
Seek wisdom from mentors, books, courses, and therapy.
Understand that being a good husband is a skill—not just a feeling.
Trust that if God placed the desire in you, He’ll also equip you.
📖 Proverbs 4:7 (KJV)“Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.”
From Fear to Legacy: A New Mindset
Here’s the truth: the future of Black love depends on us.
We must replace fear-based thinking with legacy-building faith.
Fear-Based Thinking | Legacy-Based Thinking |
“Marriage will ruin me.” | “Marriage will refine me.” |
“I don’t trust women.” | “I trust God to lead me.” |
“I’m not ready to commit.” | “I’m ready to grow into commitment.” |
“I might lose everything.” | “Together, we’ll build more.” |
What Needs to Change—Now
Black men need healing, mentorship, and emotional tools.
Black women need to offer safety and grace without judgment.
Our community needs to normalize love, family, and healthy marriage—not just dating drama.
Faith leaders and therapists need to teach not just principles—but practical relationship skills.
Final Word
You’re not too broken. You’re not too late.You’re not disqualified from love.
You were made to lead in your home, to love deeply, and to leave a legacy.Let’s stop fearing marriage and start preparing for it—together.
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
Let’s Talk:
What’s one fear about marriage you’ve struggled with—or seen in a man you love?Leave a comment and join the conversation. Your honesty may be someone else’s breakthrough.
Ready to Go Deeper?
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