Help! I'm Dating a Commitment Phobic. Part 4. (Arguing Too Much)
Scenario #4- He is not a commitment phobic. You guys argue too much. Your King could be head over heels for you but hates the conflict in your relationship. He loves you dearly but has no desire to walk into a marriage that already has serious problems with conflict resolution before even getting engaged! His logic is, “If we argue like this now, it will only get worse when we marry,” and he is right. He fears divorce and has chosen to take the safe road of being able to leave if things don’t improve. I get it. You don’t like that answer and last time I checked…it takes two to argue.
What should you do now? Hello, it’s time for counseling! I cannot tell you how many couples I have helped in premarital and pre-engagement (dating) counseling by simply teaching them the process for successfully resolving conflict. I’m actually thinking about holding a class due to the demand and how quickly it can shift couples back into the positive. Anyone can get along when things are going well, but couples who learn and master conflict management will stand the test of time. Yes, I am aware that you have likely brought this up to your King and he is hesitant, if not totally against it. Regardless, I strongly encourage you set up the appointment anyway and even go by yourself if he reneges or protest.
Men fear being labeled as the “weakest link” and if you go to couples counseling alone, you put all the pressure on him to either attend or find a better idea. Chances are that he doesn’t have one and will be forced to join you or risk losing you. Take action to create reaction. Men who refuse to go to counseling when there are pressing issues that are negatively impacting your relationship should be handled with caution. This is a serious red flag because a man who refuses to go to counseling when there are obvious problems and still refuses to work through them as a team, will not make a good husband.
This is an issue to draw your line in the sand on. How he behaves during conflict right now will represent how he will act as your husband. There is nothing worse than being in a marriage with a man (or woman) who is stuck and refuses to do something about it. Warning Queens…some men will never go; leave them (this is only a small minority of men). Most, however, will question if it is really necessary but will go anyway if you set it up and will actually pay the bill because it worked to resolve the issue. What is the cost for peace of mind and no arguing? Priceless.
So Queens, let’s make it happen. Talk to your King about your issues in your relationship and set up counseling immediately so that you can work through them with a trained professional. It just could be the final step towards commitment, engagement and marriage. God Bless!