Men: The Best Way To Love Her Is By Loving You First

Why Giving Everything Isn’t the Best Way to Love

By Dr. Alduan Tartt

He provides. He protects. He shows up.But quietly, he’s exhausted.

Too many men—especially Black men—are silently burning out in their relationships, believing that giving everything is what makes them worthy of love. We hustle, grind, and sacrifice, thinking that’s what strong men do. But let me tell you the truth:

Overgiving is not the same as loving.

And if you keep giving from an empty tank, you’ll end up resenting the very people you’re trying to love.

The Faulty Mindset That’s Hurting Our Relationships

From a young age, many of us were taught:

“If you work hard, take care of your family, and never complain—you’re a good man.”

And while responsibility is noble, it becomes toxic when it replaces emotional connection, boundaries, and self-respect. Overgiving becomes a form of silent suffering—a mask we wear to avoid dealing with how tired, disconnected, or unseen we really feel.

It’s time to challenge that mindset. Because you can’t love her right if you’re neglecting yourself.

1. Overgiving Is Not the Same as Loving

Let’s break this down. Love is not just about doing things—it’s about being present.A man who buys gifts but never expresses vulnerability…A man who pays bills but never opens up about his fears or frustrations…That man may be well-intentioned, but he’s emotionally unavailable.

1 Corinthians 13:3 (NIV) says,“If I give all I possess to the poor…but do not have love, I gain nothing.”

This scripture reminds us that giving without connection is empty.Your woman doesn’t just need what’s in your hands—she needs what’s in your heart.

Psych Insight: Men who overfunction in relationships often do so to avoid vulnerability. They were never taught how to feel safe being emotionally honest, so they overcompensate with action.

2. Boundaries Teach Others How to Treat You

Here’s the truth: When you say “yes” to everything, you’re not being strong—you’re being self-abandoning. And that’s a dangerous place to live from.

Boundaries are not about pushing people away.They’re about teaching people how to love you without draining you.

Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) tells us,“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”

If you don’t protect your peace, no one else will.If you don’t speak up about what you need, people will assume you’re fine—and keep taking.

Real-world example:Instead of saying “yes” when you’re running on fumes, say:

“That doesn’t work for me right now, but here’s what I can do.”That one line can save your peace and your relationship.

3. Let Her See the Real You—Not Just the Strong You

A lot of brothers think being vulnerable will cost them respect. But here’s what I’ve learned after years of working with couples and families:

Most women don’t want perfect—they want present.They want access to the real you. Your joy. Your fear. Your fatigue. Your dreams. Your truth.

When you hide your emotions in the name of strength, you create emotional distance—and that’s where relationships start to unravel.

Ecclesiastes 4:10 (NIV):“If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.”

You can’t be helped if you’re hiding.You can’t connect if you’re pretending.

Try this: Instead of shutting down, say:

“I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, and I’m trying to process it.”That moment of honesty builds trust—and deepens love.

Loving Yourself Is Loving Her Better

When you’re rested, you’re more patient.When you’re centered, you’re more focused.When you’re healed, you lead with confidence—not control.

Self-love isn’t selfish—it’s responsible.Because if you’re broken, burned out, or emotionally unavailable, the people closest to you will suffer, even if your intentions are good.

Final Word: Protect Your Peace. Reclaim Your Power.

You are not just a provider. You are a human being—with needs, dreams, and limits.

You can’t love her right if you’ve forgotten how to love yourself.You can’t be her peace if you’re living in chaos.You can’t build a home if the foundation—you—is cracking.

So pause. Breathe. Reflect.Rest isn’t a reward—it’s a requirement.Boundaries aren’t rejection—they’re self-respect.Honesty isn’t weakness—it’s strength in its highest form.

Because when you love yourself wisely…You become the man she can trust, follow, and love deeply—without losing you in the process.

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