Why Your Relationship Is Not Working: Three Things That Need To Be Fixed Right Now
Why is your relationship not working? I have discovered three things that tend to consistently sabotage relationships:
1) Disappearing Acts- when one partner decides to be the full-time pleaser for the other partner without reciprocity. It is a problem because it minimizes your sense of presence. It is difficult to have presence when you are always focused on making your partner happy.
What makes you happy?
What pleases you?
Are you willing to require the same amount of people pleasing that you give in relationships?
2) Underlying Problems- this explains dating someone who struggles with relationship skills due to past issues. For instance, people who struggle with attachment and relationships in the past often struggle in the future. It makes sense.
If you did not have the good fortune of being born to parents who were able to establish a secure attachment through love, consistency and safety, it makes sense that you will struggle with trusting relationships based on love. So, make sure you are intentional about screening for past history and past counseling if childhood and past relationship trauma needs to be addressed.
Also, make sure people are good at relationships skills in prior relationships (communication, honesty, fairness, forgiveness, temperance, conflict resolution, etc.) before you decide to date them. Why set yourself up for failure?
3) Mismatch Mindsets- this addresses when one partner wants a win-win relationship while the other is focused on win-lose. They want to get the most and give the least to have "power" versus mutual support, sacrifice and satisfaction. This is easy to screen for because behavior will show selfishness or teamwork but you must be patient. Most manipulative partners will show their hand over time so you must be patient to ensure that you are not dating their representative.
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