How To Predict Avoid Divorce (or Breaking Up) | How To Save Your Marriage
Psychologists can tell when a break up is imminent.
We look for failed bids for attention that signal a disconnection is coming. This is one of the things we help couples with at our Weekend For Love Marriage Conference & Retreat.
Couples break up when there is disconnection which is the death nail for almost all relationships. What psychologists look for is something called, "Failed Bids For Connection". A failed bid for connection basically means that one or both partners are actively ignoring or unaware of their partner's emotional needs and, thereby, neglecting the relationship or marriage.
Here are four ways bids for attention can go wrong:
1) Absence of bids- neither spouse even tries to give the other attention
2) Ignoring bids- one spouse actively ignores their partner's request for more love, attention, quality time, desires, complaints, etc.
3) Arguing about bids- spouses argue about needs consistently not being met and either fix it or proceed to emotionally and/or physically disconnect.
4) Turning away due to unmet needs- after bids are consistently ignored, one partner will inevitably turn away from their partner, the relationship and marriage.
Why? Out of necessity...who wants to consistently be in a relationship where their needs are often ignored, unmet and relegated as unimportant?
Here are four ways to respond to bids of attention in a healthy way:
1) Be Intentional- schedule time for one another as a culture and in advance (Set up date nights, after work quality time, anniversary celebrations, marriage retreats, time together in advance to have a routine for showing one another attention)
2) Be Responsive- when your partner ask for his/her needs to be met, respond immediately so that the relationship doesn't go in reverse
3) Fear Regret- anticipate what disconnection could produce. Do you fear break up, divorce or do you think your partner is going to stay even when their needs are consistently not being met? Many partners, especially men, wait far too late to respond. That is tragic and also unwise. Why would you wait until your spouse moves out or files for divorce to change when you can change earlier to prevent them from feeling that way?
4) Be Loving- remember that love is a verb not just a noun. So, be loving as a norm and understand that we all need consistent acts of love to feel loved. Relationships are easier when we consistently do the things to make our partners mutually satisfied.