How To Parent Boys: What Boys Need From Mom & Dad Separately
I saw all of the direct messages and had to create a blog and video on what boys needs from moms and dads to be successful to match the piece I did on what daughters need from fathers. I gathered this information from a fascinating article from Psychology Today regarding What a Child Needs From Each Parent. Check it out. It is a great read.
I discuss each point in the video. However, here is a quick summary for your notes so that you can provide what boys needs from each parent:
What Dads Must Give Their Sons
1) Time- Being present is more important than only providing financially. Aim to do both on a regular basis.
2) Have A Real & Effective Conversation About Sex & Relationships- Many boys struggle with relationships and moral sexual behavior because their dads feel incompetent in talking about it the right way. Be honest with them and set a high standard for how they are to act in relationships and handle the delicate subject around sex.
3) A High Character Role Model- In one study, research showed that only 4% of all crimes committed were by sons of fathers who followed the law. By contrast 40% of crimes were committed by sons of fathers who struggled with abiding by the law. Of course, a number of factors are in play here (community, policing, availability of dad, mental illness, education, etc.) but it clearly shows the importance of a father modeling high character.
4) Affection & Tenderness- Sons whose dad treated them affectionately as an infant had higher reading and math scores by age 4 across the board. Dads, it is okay to be affectionate with your son; it makes him feel more secure in himself which translates to school.
What Moms Must Give Their Sons
1) Be Consistent With Discipline Yet Delivered in Warm Way- Moms, the key here is be consistent with your discipline versus simply talking. Talk is not discipline. However, you can discipline in a warm way (watch your tone, use restrictions, take away games until homework is complete, etc.) versus excessive yelling, screaming and trying to control your son.
2) Minimal Conflict & Maximum Warmth & Affection- Boys need their moms to be warm and have low conflict with them. Moms are supposed to be sources of comfort and safety and conflict undermines that important bond.
3) Encourage Self-Regulation By Having Strong Bond With Son-The study showed that moms who maintained a trusting, attached (strong bond) relationship with their son aided his emotional control. By contrast, moms with antagonistic, manipulative and/or undermining styles negatively affected their sons' ability to self-regulate. This is directly related to sensitivity and the ability to exhibit composure under pressure, especially women.
4) Avoid Harsh Criticism and Build Him Up Instead- Boys need their moms to build up their self-esteem and avoid criticism because they are vulnerable. Boys trust moms to be loving, protective and warm. So, when moms are cold, hard and critical it is especially damaging because it is coming from the one parent they expect warmth and tenderness from the most.