Why You Get Into Bad Relationships Over and Over Again: You Erase Yourself
Why You Get Into So Many Bad Relationships: Self Erasure (You Erase Your Needs to Avoid Conflict)
Why do people self-erase?
1) Pain of past conflicts- you remember the last time you spoke up and it wasn't good. So, you take that approach into the future but forget that everyone is not emotionally abusive. You unintentionally make everyone a possible (insert the person who hurt you) which is good for safety but bad for getting your needs met.
2) Fear of losing out/people- you think that being quiet is the best way to keep your relationship or marriage intact. You might think, "If I don't cause any drama, s/he will stay with me." However, you end up enabling your invisibility versus being rewarded for being low maintenance. It makes so much sense. You think that by having little to no needs, you makes yourself a better (easier) partner.
However, what you do instead is transform yourself into a human doormat. You keep being mistreated because you are welcoming of people wiping their feet on you. Ouch!
3) Lack of presence- you don't know that people will respond positively to your true power. You have yet to experiment with your presence and need to see people accommodate you in a relationship to know that it is possible. Once you experience mutual satisfaction, mutual sacrifice and mutual compromise, you will never date a selfish person again!
You are too valuable to be treated like that!
Instead, do this:
How To Have More Presence:
1) Speak Up- tell your spouse/family what you need upfront and make sure you match energy
2) Stand Up- in a conflict…restate your position versus acquiescing every time. At least, have an impasse that leads to true negotiation and blending of perspectives…a real relationship
3) Move Up- move differently until you feel seen, heard and loved. Stop doing for him/her until they match energy. Look for better jobs where you are respected. Demand that people match your value versus discounting all the doggone time.
When you show up, stand up and move up, the world will meet you in a more giving place.
You demand more and, thus, get more. Your past trauma is not your present or future. You can and will have it all!